This is my story of being a young mom, my journey in motherhood…
The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth
I almost didn’t post this. I really went back and forth about sharing this much. Should I really put my feelings out there like this, what if I look like a bad mom?
But the whole premise of this blog is to help other Moms like me who may be struggling with the same things; to realize that being perfect isn’t real and we need to embrace our imperfection and just live our lives & choose to be happy; to make lasting change in anything, we need to figure out what’s going on in our pretty little heads and to do that we need to be honest & talk about those things that we struggle with; to realize that being Mom is not easy, we need to stop being so hard on ourselves.
It was hard you guys to be this honest about being a Mom. I don’t want to come across as someone who doesn’t love being Mom, doesn’t love her kids, who doesn’t love her family…
But it this isn’t about them. This is about me, the woman who is a Mom, a wife, etc..
So here it goes…
Do you ever feel lost? Unnoticed? Unappreciated? Unhappy? Unworthy?
I have and I know exactly how you feel, exactly what you are struggling with…
You know you shouldn’t feel this way. You have so much to be thankful for yet you still can’t get control of these negative thoughts & feelings. Deep down you know that it doesn’t have to be a struggle but you don’t know how to change it or what to do about it.
You love your family, you love your kids, you absolutely love that you get to be mom. And if you get to stay home and raise your kids, you feel blessed that you are there. Or if you are a working mom you feel grateful you can do both.
One half of you knows that by being a Mom you are doing the most important thing you could do in your life.
The other half of you feels irrelevant like you didn’t accomplish anything. Society makes us feel like as women if we aren’t out working in the world or doing something that makes money, being independent women working in this day in age then we aren’t relevant.
This is the story of that mom:
I had my girl’s young. I have no regrets about starting young and am so thankful for my life. But here’s the thing, I’m not going to sugarcoat it here, I’m not going to say it was easy and it wasn’t without struggle. I wasn’t walking around beaming with delight all the time, it wasn’t all sunshine & rainbows.
With all of my heart I loved being a mom and I loved my family. I loved carrying my girls & bringing their precious lives into this world, the day they were placed in my arms were two of the the greatest days of my life. I can still remember the feeling of my heart melting at love at first sight. The truth is a had already fallen deeply in love with them before I had even met them.
“When my girls took their first breath it took mine away”
I loved my girls more than anything.
But…I was a young, early Mom.
I was 22 with 2 little ones, I had no idea what I was doing. How in the world was I going to raise two little girls and be a wife? The only thing I really knew is that I loved them with everything that I was, with every fiber of my being, I never knew that love could be so great, and with that I took one step at a time.
For me, my struggles were mostly personal. I always felt like I wasn’t enough, that I wasn’t doing enough, I wasn’t a good enough mom, I wasn’t a good enough wife, etc. (Basically shit that I wish I would have understood and had figured out before starting a family, but I believe many of us feel this same way and it’s a constant struggle). I struggled with not doing my part financially to help my family, that I was so dependent on my husband, I felt controlled and that my life was no longer my life.
When my second daughter was born, we decided it was best for me to stay home and raise our girls. I truly wanted this and was happy and grateful for the opportunity to be a stay at home mom, it killed me when I would come home and miss something my daughter had done. (For us the decision was pretty much because for where we live there was no job that paid enough at the time to make it worth me working and have to pay child care.) To this day I would not have wanted it any other way, my girls will always know that I was there for them and always will be.
But I let others, society, mostly myself, influence my thoughts & feelings and I felt like I wasn’t enough, what I was doing wasn’t enough, that I should have went to college, that I should be working, etc. I am by no means pointing fingers, it was my own mind battle of insecurities, self-criticism, self-doubt, no self-esteem, feelings of unworthiness, and that I let control me.
I would hear myself saying that I was just a Mom.
I was so young and immature to realize that being their mom and raising two amazing, adorable little girls into two beautiful young ladies, is the greatest thing I will ever do in this life because ultimately not much else matters when I’m talking about my girls because they are my whole world. Click here to read my letter to mom’s ~ Cherish every moment, if I could go back
So fast forward 15 yrs. And here I am realizing my whole life is about to change sooner than I would like. My life has been about them, they are my whole world and they are about to spread their wings, fly away, leaving Momma’s nest!
I want to hold on tight and not let them go…
It hasn’t even happened yet and when I think about it my heart breaks, I tear up, and can’t imagine my world without them here to wake up too everyday, coming home from school. How do I transition from my life being all about them to a life without them?
Truth is I’m a little scared for what my future holds. The unknown. In 3 years they will both be off to college living their lives. I’m scared I will be totally depressed and alone. Well not totally alone, I have my husband but that won’t be the same! (I know you all know what I’m talking about!!) How do we transition from raising our children to letting them go? What do we do with the emptiness we feel? What will I do with myself?
So lately with all these thoughts I’ve come to the realization that I feel like I need to do something with myself and I need to figure all this shit out that’s going on in my pretty little head!!
I love being a wife and mom. I 100% without a doubt would not change this for anything. I am beyond grateful for the opportunity in my life to be a mother to these two amazing, beautiful souls. They truly are the most precious gift and I am honored to be their mom.
But who am I without being a mom and a wife? Is this my life or a life molded into what it needed to be for my girls and my husband? I’ve lost myself along the way or really never found myself, I was 20 years old when I had my daughter, I didn’t know anything so I’m pretty sure I didn’t know myself! And all these years putting them first, I never tried to figure me out. I never stopped to ask what I wanted. I never considered making myself a priority. I thought it was selfish and I felt guilty for doing things for myself.
I finally want to figure it out and become the best version of me I can be. I don’t want to feel like I’m lost or just going through the motions of life, I want to believe that I am worthy of anything, I want to feel like I am enough, I want to be truly happy, I want feel like I am fully living my life. I don’t want to let these insecurities hold me back any longer.
And again this isn’t about them, this isn’t about our family. It’s about our own lives changing, our role in life changing, going through transitions as Moms and a woman…
I believe that we reach a certain point in our lives where one purpose is ending and another purpose for our life is wanted or needed (the whole why are you here, what is my purpose, dilemma that we struggle with) Being a mom and then our kids growing up into teenagers and then young adults and then off living their own lives, is one of these times in life. What is my purpose now?
It’s as if we need to be re-born again to become something new, different because ‘mom’ is not our main purpose anymore. It’s a time to create a new purpose for our lives.
Does this make sense?
What do we do when who we are “Mom” is no longer a priority because their no one home to be mom too?
Now granted I still have a few years until my youngest graduate’s high school and then off to college, but this is something that I truly feel deep in my soul that I need to be proactive about, because this is going to be hard you guys. My babies leaving is going to be f***ing hard…
So here I am trying to figure out how I fit into this life beyond being ‘wife & mom’, how can I live this amazing life that we’ve all been gifted with to the fullest, to my full potential?
I’m going to start taking care of myself and getting intentional about designing a life I will love in the next half of my life. Start doing things I want to do, things that I enjoy, things that will make me feel alive. This was hard too, realizing that self-care is not selfish, it’s a necessity in order to be the best you can be for your family, for yourself, for the world.
We all have so much greatness in us, what would it be like if we fully stepped into our lives and lived it to our fullest potential with nothing holding us back, no doubts, fears, self-criticism, just being ourselves and using our amazing gifts as we were created to.
My only regret is that I didn’t realize this sooner, how much better of a mother I could have been, but I still have time.
It’s up to me to fill that emptiness, I am in control of my own thoughts and feelings, it’s up to me to step out of my comfort zone and start living my unlived life, this is my first steps to re-discovering /finding myself and to be fully and truly happy with myself. I am the author of my own life so what will be written in the next half of my life?
I know that I am not alone in admitting all of this that I had struggles or was unhappy at times. Most of us moms are afraid to admit it because we are afraid it will seem like we don’t love our family, that we don’t love our kids, that we don’t feel blessed and grateful to be a mom. It’s the complete opposite, words can’t even describe how blessed we feel to have all that we have, our kids are the best part of us, one of our greatest blessings. It is a privilege to have them. We love our families with all of our heart with everything that we are.
But this isn’t about them… You lost you. In putting everyone else first you forgot to say ‘yes’ to yourself.
When we aren’t doing something we love, like pursuing dreams, desire, our passions, we feel like we are missing something. Sometimes we need a wakeup call to make changes in our lives. I guess mine is this transition in motherhood.
Do ever feel like this? Do you have similar struggles? Please tell me I’m an not alone!
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